The more frustrated you are, the more important it is to answer!
I was surprised the first time I was asked this about my dog in a professional context. The question 'What do you love about your dog?' seems simple, yet can be challenging to answer. Why might this be hard to answer? I mean, I find it odd that people might not love dogs. I have had a love for dogs since, well ,as far back as I can remember. My earliest memory is of a puppy. We didn’t have a dog when I was growing up as we traveled quite a bit but while in elementary school I used my allowance to buy dog treats to give to neighborhood dogs, and even snuck some to school to toss over the fence to a dog during recess when teachers weren’t looking. So it seems it should be easy to answer the question. But it often isn’t that easy. For me, one difficulty is in trying to describe the many things I love about any of the dogs I have shared life with. And it can also be really hard to think about all your dog’s good qualities when you are frustrated with their behavior.
However, the most important time to consider the qualities, quirks, personality traits and well, anything that we appreciate, admire and love about our dogs is precisely when we are frustrated by their behavior. We can easily get stuck in negative thoughts if we have a challenging puppy, dogolescent or adult dog. We can spend time thinking about all the things this behavior means we can’t do, and how it negatively impacts our lives. And it becomes a cycle of stress that can really ruin your relationship. Now, to be clear, I believe that there are some times that a dog and situation are seriously mis-matched, and it can be the kindest thing for everyone involved to re-home the dog, but those are not the situations I am talking about here.
Our previous dog became very uncomfortable with and somewhat reactive to other dogs that invaded her space. While we were vigilant and closely monitored the environment, it was a revelation how rare it is for other people to even pay any attention to where their dog is heading. I got caught up in being frustrated that we had to alter where we went and what we did. And then I saw that question. And that allowed me to focus on good things, the fantastic qualities she had. The things I loved about her. And that led to thinking about where she would enjoy going and what activities we could do that would be less likely to result in stressful encounters. So, we gave up going to her favorite pet store together. But we did more nosework together. We gave up walking in crowded areas, and spent more time on paths in quiet parks. We learned how to navigate moving aside on narrow footpaths for some dogs and finding all the different paths in some parks in an attempt to put distance between us and other dogs. And we spent more time in settings that were likely to be free of other dogs, but where she could still interact with her favorite people. She was such a wonderful girl in so many ways and we lost her much too soon.
After she passed and Fisher joined us, there were some really rocky days in our relationship. First, the poor guy had the weight of dog trainer expectations. Second, he was a lot. In many ways he was more like a higher drive sports dog than the cuddly, engaging puppy we expected. He was all mouth, full of frenetic energy, and redirected his excitement, concern, or unmet needs on us. He struggled with containment, cried if left alone unless he was sound asleep before, during and after we left him. And by left alone, I mean more than 4 feet away from his crate or right next to his pen. Thank goodness there were two of us to trade off Fisher duty.
Finding things to love about this little chocolate dervish, as well as learning to appreciate some of the lessons he was imparting was key to building our relationship. I cherished the 15 minutes of calm cuddling we had in the morning after he ate, when he would climb up into my lap and snuggle. Once I truly understood how short his attention span and frustration tolerance were we both began to enjoy working on new skills. It was clear that he liked people early on, and it was a pleasure to watch him interact with new people when he was calm enough to keep his teeth off of them.
Remembering to look for the things I loved about him didn't completely change his behavior, but it did change my perspective. And that shift made me less frustrated, which helped our relationship. When you can appreciate the exuberance with which your puppy is running through the house trailing toilet paper, it’s not as annoying to clean up, and you don’t get as frustrated with yourself for not ensuring that A) the door was closed and latched and B) that your pup wasn’t 100% supervised. Being less frustrated also allowed us to think more creatively about management techniques. That meant a bit more freedom was possible for everyone in the house. Which in turn reduced the frustration all around.
I’m not saying that finding / remembering the things I love about Fisher made everything perfect. Or that it meant we just shrugged off everything he did. Far from it. There was still a lot of work and growth to help shape him into the lovely dog he is now. Even today, there are moments of frustration and occasions when old behaviors we thought were addressed reappear. But they are short-lived and vastly outnumbered by all the moments we appreciate what he brings to our lives. I’ll share some of what I love about him in a future post.
So, if you find yourself incredibly frustrated by your dog, take a time out and look for something you love about your dog. When you come up with one, think of another. You will find you start looking for good things instead of all the negatives. And that shift will make all the difference in the world.
If you find yourself frustrated with your dog, getting help is also a good idea! For information on classes, my Adolescence with Less Angst program, or individual sessions, you can go to www.heyercaninelearning.com or email me at Laura@heyercaninelearning.com
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